


Lionballs

by Kiethblacklion



Category: Mel Brooks - Fandom, Spaceballs, Voltron - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:47:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7557091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiethblacklion/pseuds/Kiethblacklion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Lionballs, lead by Commander Keith, Mistress Allura and President Coran try to steal the air from their peace loving neighbors on Planet Doom. Hilarity ensues as Merla and Cossack try to keep Prince Lotor and Yurak out of the hands of the Lionballs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Once upon an 80’s cartoon. . . .

In the Denubian galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Lionballs.

Episode Twenty-Seven

The evil leaders of Planet Arus, having foolishly polluted their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Doom.

Today is Prince Lotor's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the prince, but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . . 

If you can read this, these aren’t the robot lions you’re looking for.

 

The massive Lionball 1 cruised slowly through space. The ship was so large that it took about four minutes for any space faring object to traverse ship from bow to stern. On the back end of the ship was a bumper sticker that read, ‘We brake for Anime Pretty-Boys’.

Commander Keith, dressed in an all black jumpsuit trimmed in red, was standing at the front of the ship’s bridge.

“Commander Keith!”

Keith turned around. “What is it, Sergeant Rico?”

Sergeant Rico got up from his seat and approached Keith. “You told me to let you know the moment Planet Doom was in sight, sir.”

“So?”

Rico grinned. “Planet Doom is in sight, sir.”

“You're really a Lionball. You know that, don't you?” Keith asked.

“Thanks, sir,” said the young and over eager sergeant.

“Have you notified Mistress Allura?” Keith asked.

“Yes, sir. I took the liberty. She's on her way.”

“Make way for Mistress Allura,” rang the voice of the narrator (better known as Peter Cullen) over the loud speakers.

“All rise in the presence of Mistress Allura,” ordered Keith as he stood at attention.

The entire bridge crew stood to attention. A door at the far end of the bridge opened revealing Mistress Allura. She was dressed in her V3D flight suit with a powder blue cape attached. As she walked from the entrance to where Keith was standing, she could hear the crew members that she passed saying silent prayers. She stopped in front of Keith, struggling to breathe.

“I can't breathe in this thing,” she managed to say. Allura turned around so that her backside faced Keith. “Will you unfasten me?”  
Keith reached out and unfastened Allura’s flight suit. The suit fell to the floor with a loud clang. Thanks to ‘movie magic’ Allura now stood before Keith and the bridge crew wearing thigh high black leather boots (with 6 inch heels) a very short, black leather mini-skirt, a black leather belt, a black leather corset that shows off her over-developed chest, black leather gloves that go up to her elbows and a black collar around her neck. All trimmed in a light pink.

“We're approaching Planet Doom, ma’am,” Keith stated.

“Good. I'll call Castle Control and notify President Coran immediately.” Allura stepped around the crew members who were gathering up her fallen flight suit and picked up the phone.

“I already called him, ma’am. He knows everything,” Rico said.

Allura sat the phone down angrily and turned to face Rico. “What? You went over my breasts?”\

“Uh oh,” was Keith’s thought.

“Well not exactly over them, ma’am. It was more to the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never ever!” Rico stammered, backing away.

Allura pulled a small, smooth, cylindrical object from the back of her belt and turned it on. A low, humming sound was made as a green energy whip emerged from the device.

“Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that,” Rico pleaded as he covered his neck with his hands.

“Yes. That.” Allura flicked her wrist and the energy whip flew out and struck Rico's crouch.

“Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!” Rico cried out. The pain from the initial hit was bad enough, but the electrical shock he received made it worse.

Guards appeared and took Rico away as Allura switched off her energy whip and placed it back onto her belt.

“Keith!” Allura yelled.

Keith quickly covered his crouch with his hands. “Ma’am?”

Allura looked out the main viewing window. “I don't see Planet Doom. Where is it?”

“We don't have visual contact yet, ma’am, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?”

“Never mind. I'll do it myself,” Allura said in a frustrated tone.

“Very good, ma’am.”

Allura walked off in the direction of the radar screen with Keith in tow. She stopped in front of the first of two identical, vending machines.

Allura looked puzzled as she stared at the first screen. “What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?”

“No, ma’am,” Keith said as he moved between Allura and the machine. “We call it, ‘Mr. Cappuccino’.” He pointed at label at the top of the machine. “Care for some?” he asked as he pushed some buttons to start the machine.

Allura paused for a moment. “Yes! I always have cappuccino when I watch radar. You know that.”

“Of course I do, ma’am.” Keith removed the cup from the cappuccino machine.

“Everybody knows that!” Allura stated as she looked around at her crew.

Everyone on the bridge covered their crouch. “Of course we do, ma’am!”

Allura took the cappuccino from Keith. “Now that I have my cappuccino, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?”

Keith pointed to label on the next machine which read ‘Mr. Rader’. “Right here, ma’am.”

“Switch to teleview.”

Keith pushed a button and the radar screen changed to a picture of Planet Doom with a protective defense shield around it.

“There it is, Planet Doom and underneath that defense shield, ten thousand years of fresh air,” Allura stated. “We must get through that shield.”

“We will, ma’am,” Keith said. “Once we kidnap the prince, we will force his father, King Zarkon, to give us the combination to the defense shield. Thereby destroying Planet Doom and saving Planet Arus.”

Allura looked out towards the readers. “Everybody got that?” Allura turned her attention back to Keith. “Good! When will the prince be married?”

“Within the hour, ma’am.”

“Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.” Allura chuckled then took a drink of her cappuccino, but the hot temperature causes her to spit it out. In doing so she dropped the cup onto her body, the remaining cappuccino spilling down between her breasts.

“What’s wrong ma’am?” Keith asked in a concerned tone.

“Hot! Too hot!”


	2. Chapter 2

On Planet Doom, everyone was busy gathering at the largest temple on the planet. A sign on the door read: The First Intergalactic Temple of the Drules – Reformed. Today: The Royal Wedding of Prince Lotor to Princess Romelle. Tomorrow: Bingo.

Prince Lotor was standing impatiently at the Alter. His father, King Zarkon was standing to Lotor’s right and slightly behind him. To Zarkon’s right stood Yurak, who was straightening Zarkon’s cape. 

Lotor was tapping his foot against the stone floor; a look of irritation was on his face.

“Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day,” Zarkon said proudly.

“If mom was here,” Lotor started. “She wouldn’t be forcing me to marry some strange princess.”

The usher peeked in through the doors at the end of the aisle. “All right, people. It's magic time,” he said as he turned towards Princess Romelle and her brother, King Bandor.

As Princess Romelle and King Bandor start walking down the aisle the organist began playing Here Comes the Bride.

“Father?” Lotor asked as Romelle made it a quarter of the way to the Alter.

The organ player looked over at Lotor and stopped playing.

Bandor and Romelle stopped walking as a puzzled look came across their faces.

“Must I go through with this?” Lotor asked.

Zarkon sighed. “I'm sorry, my son, you have to.” He nodded to the organ player who started playing again.

Romelle and Bandor started walking again. 

“But father…”

The organist stopped again and so did Romelle and Bandor. All three had a look of annoyance on their faces.

“I don't love her,” Lotor stated.

“I'm sorry, Lotor, she's the last princess left in the galaxy.”

Lotor looked back towards Romelle who was busy picking her nose. When she noticed Lotor looking at her, he pulled her finger out and smiled politely at him.

Lotor sighed and his shoulders drooped as Romelle and Bandor approached the Alter.

Judge Armistice, who was standing upon a tall pedestal, cleared his throat as he began the ceremony. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Prince Lotor, son of King Zarkon....”

Lotor suddenly bolted past the judge towards the door that was behind the Alter. Yurak, who was fiercely loyal to the prince, ran after him.

As Lotor took off, Judge Armistice continued speaking. “....going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door.”

“Stop him! Someone, stop him! Stop him!” Zarkon yelled as he, Romelle and Bandor ran after Lotor.

Lotor exited the temple with Yurak on his heels. The two ran in the direction of the small, two person honeymoon shuttle.

“Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?” Yurak was yelling.

The two reached the small shuttle and Lotor opened the door.

“What are you doing?” Yurak asked.

Lotor began to get in the getaway car. “Don’t ask questions. Just get in.”

Yurak and Lotor got into the shuttle and closed the hatch. The shuttle’s engines started up and the ramp tilted upward. Zarkon, Bandor, Romelle and all the guests came running out of the temple.

“What is he doing? Where is he going?” Zarkon kept asking.

The shuttle’s engine ports lit up and it took off towards space.

“Come baaaaack!” Romelle said as she eagerly dug her finger around in her nostril.


	3. Chapter 3

The Pegasus 69, a Winnebago with wings, traveled through space at a leisurely pace. Cossack was eating ice cream and dancing to loud techno music. Merla was asleep behind the wheel; a bottle of strong liquor held loosely in her hand. The automatic pilot light constantly flashed.

Merla was awoken by the ringing of the phone. Groggily, she called out to her copilot. “Cossack. Cossack. Cossack!”

“Huh” Cossack yelled over the loud music.

“Cossack!” Merla called out again.

“Always when I'm eating!” Cossack said. With a sigh, he badly danced his way through the Winnebago up to the cockpit while he continued to eat the ice cream.

“Cossack!” Merla yelled out again.

“What can I do you for, boss?” Cossack asked as he appeared from behind Merla.

Merla looked up at him, “where ya been?”

“Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some?” Cossack then offered Merla some of his ice cream.

“No!”

“C'mon,” Cossack urged. “You don’t want a little Rocky Asteroids?”

“You know I’m on a diet. Now answer that phone for me, will ya?”

“Oh, sure,” Cossack said as he put his ice cream down. As he turned around he hit Merla with his cape.

“Will you watch that thing,” Merla said in an annoyed tone.

“Oh, sorry,” Cossack said, his cape hit Merla again as he sat down. “I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see ya.” Cossack hit the video switch instead. “ Yello?”

The monitor came to life and Stryde the Tiger Fighter appeared. 

“Hello, Merla.”

Cossack grimaced. “Sorry, wrong switch.”

Merla sighed. “Hello, Stryde, what do you want?”

“ No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants,” Stryde said as he looked to his left.

The screen moved and a robot appeared onto the screen.

“Amalgamus the Hutt,” Cossack and Merla said simultaneously.

“Well, if it isn't Merla, and her side kick, Kickass,” Amalgamus said in his monotone voice.

Cossack tried to correct the robot, “That's Cossack.”

“Cossack, Kickass, whatever. Where's my money?” Amalagamus asked.

“Don't worry, Amalgamus. You'll have it by next week,” Merla told him.

“ No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.”

“A hundred thousand Lionbucks… by tomorrow?” Merla asked, hoping she heard incorrectly.

“A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million lionbucks.” Amalgamus gave a metallic laugh.

“A million? That's unfair.” Merla remarked.

“Unfair to payer, but enough to payee, but you’re gonna pay it, or else.”

“Or else what?” Cossack asked, slightly afraid.

“Tell 'em, Stryde,” Amalagamus said as he looked over to his assistant.

“Or else Amalgamus is gonna assimilate you.” Stryde and Amalgamus laughed together.

“Chow boys!” The screen turned blank and Merla and Cossack were left alone once again.


	4. Chapter 4

The door to the defense shield around Planet Doom opened and Lotor flew his shuttle through it and out into space. Lotor sat comfortably behind the wheel listening to music in his headphones.

Yurak turned his head and spoke to the prince. “Can we talk? Okay, we all know Princess Romelle is uptight and a stick in the mud, but you could've married her to get your father off your back and just have mistresses for the rest of your life.”

Lotor didn’t say a word and continued flying the shuttle.

“Will you turn that thing off,” Yurak demanded.

“What?” Prince Lotor removed his helmet; music now blared into the cockpit of the shuttle. “What is it?”

“I was saying, do realize what you've done?”

“Yes,” Lotor replied. “And I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.” The prince placed his helmet back on his head. The music effectively blocked out his companion’s voice.

“I wonder if he's glad,” Yurak said to himself.

President Coran’s office was located in the Castle of Lionballs on Arus. It was a spacious office, everything perfectly clean. President Coran was currently in his office talking to a news reporter on the phone.

“Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Arus, I can assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye.” Coran dropped the receiver onto the cradle. “Shithead.”

President Coran opened a desk drawer and pulled out an aluminum can. The label on the can read: Perrier Salt-Free Air; Canned on Planet Doom. Coran opened the can and held it to his nose, inhaling the air contained within.

Without warning a section of the wall behind the president activated and the image of Nanny appeared on the screen.

“President Coran!” Nanny said in her heavy accent.

Coran panicked, he threw the can away and closed the drawer. “Yes?”

“This is Castle Control, Lionball Commanderette Nanny speaking, sir.”

“Yes, what is it Nanny?”

“Mistress Allura has informed us that Prince Lotor is in sight, and Lionball 1 is closing in on him.”

An evil smile appeared on Coran’s face. “Good, good.”

“We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.”

“I'll be down immediately!” Coran stated.

“Shall I have Pidge beam you down, sir?” Nanny asked.

Coran hesitated. “I don't about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?”

“Oh yes, sir. Pidge beamed me twice last night.” A naughty smile crossed Nanny’s face. “It was wonderful.”

Coran sighed. “All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it worked on Star Trek.” Coran stood up from his desked and stepped onto the transporter pod.

Nanny turned her head slightly. “Pidge, beam him down.”

“Yes, ma’am. Immediately, ma’am,” Pidge responded.

Coran was enveloped in a swirling white and yellow light and then he was beamed out of his office.

In Castle Control, the transporter pod began to glow brightly. Slowly, President Coran’s body appeared before those working in Castle Control, his head and his arms were on backwards.

“Oh my, what's happened to his head?” asked a handmaiden who was standing nearby.

“It's on backwards!” Nanny cried out.

“This is terrible! Do something!” Coran yelled.

Pidge immediately spoke up. “I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro converter malfunction.”

Coran lifted up the tail on his suit. “Why didn't somebody tell me ass was so big?”

Everyone in the room began to look and snicker.

“Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam.” Pidge said. The young man fiddled with the controls. “It could be the interlocking system,” he said to himself.

Coran looked around nervously then reached down and scratched himself.

Pidge started to flip switches. “ Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone…” he turned in his seat and watched as Coran beamed out.

The transporter pod in President Coran’s office lit up and he reappeared, his body now back to normal.

The wall view screen came to life and Nanny’s image reappeared. “Are you all right, Mr. President?”

“Fine, fine, no thanks to you!” Coran yelled at her.

“We'll beam you back, sir.”

“Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna walk.” President Coran turned and walked through the door into Castle Control.

“President Coran, salute!” Nanny ordered.

Everyone in Castle Control stood up. Then each person crossed their arms over their chests then they placed each hand upon their hip followed by a single forward thrust. “Hail Coran!”

Coran mimicked the salute.

Two beautiful and busty women managed to attract Coran’s attention. “Hello, President Coran “ they said in unison.

Coran walked up to the woman on the left.. “Oh, uh. Hello, Barbara”.

“I'm Jenna,” she replied.

Coran turned to the other woman. “Hello, Jenna.”

“I'm Barbara,” she answered..

Coran shook his head. “Go back to your webcams.” He turned and walked over to Commanderette Nanny. “Where's the Prince?”

Nanny took Coran over to the teledar. “Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen approaching Lionball One at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute.”

“Good, good.” An evil smile crept across Coran’s face. “He’s almost in our grasp. Tell Mistress Allura that she must take the Prince alive.”


	5. Chapter 5

Commander Keith and Mistress Allura stood at the front of Lionball 1’s bridge. Their gaze was focused on the forward viewport; ahead of them was Prince Lotor’s honeymoon shuttle.

“Prince Lotor's spaceship is within range, ma’am,” Keith stated obviously.

“Good.” Allura’s face twisted into a devious smile. “Fire a warning shot across his nose.”

The guns of Lionball 1 sprang to life; laser blasts exploded all around Lotor’s spacecraft.

Lotor removed his helmet and looked out the window. “What's going on?”

Yurak looked out his window and started to panic. “It’s either the 4th of July or someone is trying to kill us.”

“Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich.” Lotor pulled out his cell phone.

“What are you doing?” Yurak asked.

“I'm calling my father.” Lotor started dialing, speaking the numbers out loud as he pressed them. “1-800-4MY-DOOM.”

Meanwhile, back on Lionball 1 Mistress Allura and Commander Keith watched as the laser blasts came closer and closer to hitting Lotor’s ship.

“Careful, you idiot. I said across his nose, not up it,” Allura yelled.

Lance lifted up the eye guard on his helmet, revealing that he was cross-eyed. “Sorry, ma’am. I’m doing my best.”

Allura gave Keith a puzzled look. “Who made that man a gunner?”

Major Graham stood up, revealing that he was also cross-eyed. “I did, ma’am. He's my cousin.”

“Who is he?” Allura asked Keith.

“He's a Jackass, ma’am.” Keith stated matter-of-factly.

“I know that,” Allura said. “What's his name?”

“That is his name, ma’am. Jackass, Major Graham Jackass,” Keith said flatly.

“And his cousin?”

“He's a Jackass, too, ma’am. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Lance Jackass,” Keith told her.

“How many Jackasses we got on this ship, anyhow?” Allura asked.

All but a few crew members stationed on the bridge stood up and raised their hands. “YO!” they called out in unison.

Allura turned around, looking at all the people who stood up. “I knew it, I'm surrounded by Jackasses. She turned back towards the viewport, feeling exasperated. “Keep firing, you Jackasses.”


	6. Chapter 6

Lotor was talking on his cell phone while simultaneously trying to fly the spacecraft. “Hurry, Daddy, hurry. There’s laser blasts all around us. I'm so scared.”

Merla and Cossack were cruising through space when their video monitor sparked to life. The image of King Zarkon appeared on the screen and he was visibly upset.

“King Zarkon to Merla. King Zarkon to Merla. Are you there?”

“I’m here your highness,” Merla responded.

“Merla, you've got to help me. Please, save my son, He's being attacked by Lionballs.”

“Lionballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.” Merla brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “Besides, I'm already numero uno on Mistress Allura's hit list.”

Cossack spoke up in defense of his boss. “Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just we got this thing about death. It's not us.”

“Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save him,” Zarkon pleaded. “I'll give anything. Did you her me? Anything!”

“Anything?” Cossack asked.

“Yes! Anything!”

Merla glanced over at Cossack with a dirty smirk. “Okay, we'll do it for a million.”

“A million?” Zarkon was so surprised that his crown fell down over his eyes.

“Whoa, you're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness,” Cossack remarked as he started fiddling with the dials on the dashboard.

Zarkon readjusted his crown. “All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find him, save him.”

Merla grinned. “All right, King, you just made a deal.”

“One prince for one million Lionbucks,” Cossack stated.

“What's he driving?” Merla asked.

Zarkon took a deep breath. “A brand new, white Cadillac Deville, 2008 VV Limited Edition, with a moon roof and all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My cousin, Hazar, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.”

“We get the idea,” Merla remarked. “ Where was he last seen.”

“He was just passing Third Earth,” Zarkon stated.

“We'll find him,” Merla assured the king.

“Please, bring my son back safely.” Zarkon lowered his voice slightly. “And, if it's all possible, try to save the car.”

Cossack turned off the monitor. “One million Lionbucks! We'll be able to pay off Amalgamus the Hutt.”

Merla and Cossack gave each other a high five and cheered. “Let’s not waste any time,” Merla said. “There’s a spoiled, rich kid waiting to be rescued.”


	7. Chapter 7

A bright, blue beam shot out from the mouth of Lionball 1 and enveloped Lotor’s shuttle.

“What's happening? What's that glow?” Lotor asked. “We're not moving.”

“Oh, we're moving all right, backwards,” Yurak responded.

The Pegasus 69 approached Lotor's shuttle. “Look, there's our prince. And he's got company,” Merla remarked as Lionball 1 closed in on Lotor.

“Oh, no, Lionballs and they've already got him in their magnetic beam,” Cossack stated. “Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw us in reverse, and we'll get outta here.” The cowardly copilot reached for the reverse switch.

Merla smacked Cossack's hand. “Cossack, no. Bad Cossack!”

“Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway prince? I know we need the money...”

“Listen. We're not just doing this for money,” Merla told her partner. “We're doing it for a shit load of money!”

Cossack perked up. “Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save him, but how? The minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.”

“Uh-uh,” Merla rebuked.

“Uh-huh,” Cossack replied.

“Uh-uh,” Merla said again.

“Uh-huh,” Cossack continued.”

“Uh-uh, not if we jam it,” Merla told him.

“Ah, ha! You're right,” Cossack lamented.

“Down scope,” Merla ordered.

“Down scope,” Cossack repeated. He pushed a button and the periscope descending in front of him. “Radar, about to be… jammed.” Cossack pressed the firing button on the periscope’s handle.

In response, a bottle of jam was launched from the Pegasus 69 and crashed directly into the radar dish of Lionball 1.

Three space mice, Cheddar, Cheesy, and Suki were all manning the radar station. The screen in front of them blinked, the images became wavy, then were replaced by snow and static, then finally disappeared completely. 

Cheddar was the first to speak up. “Eeep! (subtitle: Shit!).”

“Eeep eep eep eep eep! (subtitle: Call the commander!),” Cheesy responded.

Suki pulled the phone receiver off the hook then dialed the extension for the public announcement system. “Ep eeep ep eep. (subtitle: Excuse me, sir)”

Keith heard the intercom and looked over towards the radar station. “What is it?”

Suki continued to speak. “Eep ep eepp ep ep eep ep eepeep eeeppp eep? (subtitle: Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.)”

A frustrated look came over Keith’s face. With a sigh he walked over to the radar station.

With a somewhat confused look on her face, Allura decided to follow Keith to the radar station.

Keith looked down at the three mice standing on the radar console. “Well?”

Suki continued to speak into the phone receiver. “Ep eeeppp eeeeppp eeep eep eepee eep (subtitle: We’re having trouble with the radar, sir.)”

“You don't need that, Private, we're right here.” Keith reached down and took the phone from Suki and hung it up. “Now, what is it?”

Suki continued to speak. “Eeeep eep eppe epee eeep eepee epe (subtitle: We’re having trouble with radar, sir.)”

Allura spoke up. “What's wrong with it?”

“Eep eeep eep eeeeps (subtitle: I've lost the bleeps),” Cheddar said.

“Eep eeep eep eeeeps (subtitle: I've lost the sweeps),” Cheesy stated.

“Eep eep eep eep eeeeps (subtitle: and I've lost the creeps.),” Sukie finished.

Allura looked confused “The what?”

“The what?” Keith asked.

“and the what?” Allura responded.

Cheddar sighed. “Eep eep eep eeeeps (subtitle: You know, the bleeps),” he said; then he made bleeping noises.”

“Eep eeeeps (subtitle: the sweeps),” Cheesy answered followed by the little mouse shaking his head to make the sweeping noises.

“Eep eep eeeeps (subtitle: and the creeps),” Suki said as he pinched his fingers and moved his hand up and down as he made little noises that sounded like pac-man on helium.

Allura leaned toward Keith and whispered softly. “That's not all they've lost.”

Cheddar suddenly started jumping up and down. “Ep'ep. Eep eepee ep'ep. Ep eppeeps ep ep…(subtitle: Ma'am. The radar, ma'am. It appears to be....)”

A red liquid dripped down the screen, onto the console and down onto the floor.

“….eeeeep (subtitle ....jammed.),” Cheesy spoke.

“Jammed?” Allura asked. She touched the screen with her finger and then tasted the liquid. “Cherry. There's only one woman who would dare give me the cherry. Merla!”

Allura pivoted around to look at Keith but she slipped in a pool of jam that had accumulated on the floor. Her feet flew out from under her and she crashed onto the floor, landing hard on her back.”

Cheddar, Cheesy, and Suki watched Allura fall. “Eeep! (subtitle: Shit!)”


	8. Chapter 8

Merla maneuvered the Pegasus 69 to Lotor's shuttle and hovered just above it. A ladder that was attached to the under carriage of Merla's Winnebago dropped down as Cossack opened a hatch in the floor of the Winnebago. Carefully, he climbed down the ladder and stepped onto the roof of Lotor's shuttle.

“What was that?” Lotor asked as he heard someone shuffling around on the roof of his shuttle.

Cossack knocked on the moon roof.

“Never mind that,” Yurak said. “What was that?”

The moon roof opened and revealed Cossack’s smiling face.

“Ah!” Lotor and Yurak said simultaneously.

“Hi,” Cossack said in a friendly tone.

“Who are you?” Lotor asked.

“My name is Cossack.”

“What do you want?” Lotor inquired.

“Your father hired Captain Merla and me to save you. C'mon , we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.”

Yurak nudged Prince Lotor. “Go, hurry, quickly your highness, follow the dumbass.”

“Cossack. My name is Cossack.”

“Whatever,” Yurak responded.

“Wait. What about my matched luggage?” Lotor asked.

Cossack whimpered.

Lotor climbed the ladder first, followed by Yurak and then Cossack, whose arms were filled with Lotor's luggage.

“Hey! Stop looking up my cape!,” Yurak ordered to Cossack.

Cossack apologized then turned his head as they made their way into Merla’s ship.

As Prince Lotor and Yurak made their way to the room at the back end of the Pegasus 69, Cossack headed towards the front of the space craft.

Merla looked back and saw Cossack lugging Lotor's baggage. “Checking in? What the hell is all that?”

“It's his royal highness' matched luggage,” Cossack said with a fabric strap in his mouth.

“What?” Merla asked.

Cossack removed the strap. “His royal highness' matched luggage.”

“Matched luggage, huh?” Merla huffed. “What does he think this is, a princess cruise?”

“Well, he wouldn't go without it.” Cossack dropped down in the co-pilot seat.

“Oh, yeah?” Merla picked up a microphone and spoke. “Now hear this, as soon as we get outta here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.”

“Who was that?” Yurak asked.

Lotor turned on the intercom located beside the door. “Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.”

Merla spoke into the microphone with more authority. “Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, honey.”

“Honey?” Lotor quietly repeated so that only Yurak could hear him.

“Uh-oh,” Yurak remarked to himself.

Lotor spoke into the intercom once more. “How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Prince Lotor, son of Zarkon, King of the Drulites.”

Merla groaned. “Oh. That's all we needed, a Droolish prince.”

Cossack turned his head to address the reader of this story. “Funny. He doesn't look Droolish.”


	9. Chapter 9

As the Pegasus 69 flew away from Lionball 1, Lotor's shuttle was sucked into the giant spacecraft. In a small room, the floor opened up and Lotor's shuttle rose through the opening on a platform. Numerous guards entered and stood along the room’s perimeter. Commander Keith and Mistress Allura entered the room with typical villainy flair; both of them flanked by guards.

Allura was the first to speak. “Now, we will show him who is in charge of this galaxy.”

The guard to Allura’s left cocked his blaster.

“Hold it,” Allura told the guard. “I'll handle this…personally.”

“Ya-vo, Mistress Allura,” the guard replied.

Allura simply looked towards the guard and shook her head. She then turned her attention back to Lotor's shuttle. She cupped her breasts and then lifted them up, before stepping down the stairs towards the captured shuttle. 

“So, Prince Lotor, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Arus,” Mistress Allura said in a dramatic tone. “Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.”

Allura lifted the shuttle’s door open and looked inside. “He's not in there.”

Everyone in the room dropped their guns and immediately covered their crotch with their hands.

Cheddar’s voice came over the p.a. system. “Eepee eepeeeep eep (subtitle: Radar repaired, ma’am).” 

Suki then spoke over the p.a. system. “Ep'ep eeeepeep ep eep eepeepe ep e epeeepeep (subtitle: We're picking up the outline of a winnebago).”

“Winnebago?” Allura asked to no one in particular. “Merla. Merla!” Out of frustration, Allura banged her hands on the door frame of the shuttle. The door fell down on her, pushing the Allura inside. Her legs were left to stick out from the small craft. No one in the room dared to move as Allura wiggled her body about in an attempt to free herself.

Merla looked up at the radar screen and saw Lionball 1 approaching. “Uh-oh. Here comes the bad year blimp.”

“We'd better get outta here in a hurry,” Cossack said in a panicked voice.

Merla turned her gaze to Cossack. “Switch to secret hyper jets.”

Cossack flipped several switches to prepare and activate the ship’s secret hyper jets.

Merla picked up the microphone and spoke to Lotor and Yurak. “Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.”

On the bridge of Lionball 1, Allura and Keith stood at a console near the front of the ship. The Pegasus 69 was directly in front of them.

“We're closing in on them, ma'am,” Keith stated. “In less than minute, Merla will be ours.”

Allura picked at her nails. “Good. Prepare to attack.”

“Prepare to attack!” Keith ordered.

“On the count of three,” Allura stated. “One, two...”

Just before Allura could say three, the hyper jets of Merla’s ship flashed a bright blue and the craft disappeared into hyper space.

“Wait. What happened? Where are they?” Allura whined.

“I don't know, ma'am.” Keith struggled to come up with an explanation. “They must have hyper jets on that thing.”

“And what have we got on this thing a Cuisinart?”

“No, ma'am,” Keith stated proudly.

“Well, find them! Catch them!” Allura cried out.

“Yes, ma'am.” Keith reached down and picked up the phone and spoke into the p.a. system. “Prepare ship for light speed!”

“No, you idiot!” Allura yelled. “Light speed is too slow.”

Keith gave his commanding officer a puzzled look. “Light speed, too slow?”

“Yes,” Allura answered. “We're gonna have to go right to preposterous speed.”

Everyone on the bridge gasped.

Keith’s voice was shaky as he questioned his superior. “Preposterous speed? Ma'am, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.”

“What's the matter, Commander Keith,” Allura asked as she got right up in Keith’s face. “No lion balls?” Allura then reached down, got a handful of Keith’s crotch and gave him a tight squeeze.

Keith eyes widened and when he spoke into the phone, his voice was a surprisingly high pitch. “Prepare ship…” 

Allura released the grip that she had on the commander and allowed to him to finish relaying the order.

Keith cleared his throat and his voice returned to normal. “…Prepare ship for preposterous speed. Fasten all seat belts; seal all entrances and exits; close down all online auctions; cancel Voltron Force; secure all Voltron collectibles…”

Allura grew impatient and grabbed the phone out of Keith's hand. “Give me that you petty excuse for an officer!”

Keith took his seat next to the console and buckled his safety belt.

Allura spoke into the phone with a commanding voice. “Now hear this, preposterous speed...”

“Ma'am, hadn't you better buckle up?” Keith interrupted.

Allura turned her head and spoke directly to Keith. “Go, buckle yourself!” She turned her attention back to the phone. “Preposterous speed, Go!”

The engines on the giant ship lit up and Lionball 1 shot forward. On a side wall, a display lit up indicating which speed Lionball 1 was currently at. As the sign for “Light Speed” illuminated, through the windshield the crew could see the stars streak by in lines of white light. After a few brief moments, the ship approached “Unreasonable Speed” and the white lines turned to shades of red, blue, green and yellow. 

“Whoa!” Allura cried out as she was lifted off her feet. Desperately, she clung to the console in front of her. “What have I done? My breast implants are being pulled down to my feet.”

As the sign for “Preposterous Speed” started flashing repeatedly, the multi-colored streaks of light came together into a massive swirling vortex of intertwined colors.

Inside Pegasus 69, Merla and Cossack instinctively duck their heads as Lionball 1 passed over, bathing the ship in multitude of colors.

“What the hell was that?” Cossack asked.

With a look of disbelief, Merla replied. “Lionball 1”

“They've gone over the rainbow,” Cossack remarked.

Allura was still holding onto the console as she yelled at Keith. “We passed them. Stop this thing!”

“We can't stop. It's too dangerous,” Keith told her. The g-forces made it difficult for him to speak. “We have to slow down first.”

“Lionshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop!”

Keith reached over and pulled on the emergency brake handle.

The ship immediately dropped out of “Preposterous Speed”. The sudden shift in moment caused Allura to go flying forward, crashing into Lance the gunner. The two toppled onto the floor in a tangled mess.

Keith watched Allura fly through the air and was overcome with concern. Panicking, he fumbled with his seat belt. After struggling to unfasten the safety belt, he rushed over to Allura. When he got to her side, Keith found Lance lying face down, his head planted between Allura’s legs. Allura’s skirt had been pushed up around her waist and her legs sprawled outward. First, Keith helped the gunner to stand then reached down and helped Allura get onto her feet. “Are you all right, ma'am?”

“Fine,” Allura replied in a dazed voice. “How've you been?”

“I’m fine, ma'am.”

“Good.” Allura straightened her hair and pushed her crumpled skirt back down below her waist.

“What should we do now, ma'am?” Keith asked.

Allura was still a bit dazed. “Well, are we stopped?”

“We're stopped, ma'am.”

“Good.” Allura swayed a little. “Well, why don't we let the reader take a break.”

Keith nodded in agreement. “Very good, ma'am.”

“Smoke if you got 'em.” Allura fell backwards and landed in a seat next to the gunner's station. Within a moment she was passed out.


	10. Chapter 10

Merla and Cossack melted back into their seats after watching Lionball 1 pass over them.

Merla smiled over at Cossack. “Take her out of hyperactive.”

“Taking her out of hyperactive.” Cossack reached up and deactivated the Hyper jets. “Ah, congrats, boss, we did it. They must have overshot us by a chapter and a half.”

Merla laughed. “Okay, let's set a course for Planet Doom.”

“Setting a course for…” Without warning the Pegasus 69 started to shake violently. “…Plannnn et Doo ooo ooo ooom.”

“What's that?” Merla asked.

“I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power,” Cossack replied.

“Why?” Merla asked with a puzzled look on her face.

Cossack tapped on the power readout. “We're outta gas.”

“We must've burned it up in hyperactive.”

“I told you we should've put more than five bucks worth in,” Cossack said.

“Okay, we'll have to lay her down. Prepare for emergency landing.” Merla started pushing buttons and flipping switches. “Quick, give me a reading!”

Cossack placed his hands together and prayed. “Oh my Father, who art in St. Louis, scared shitless be thy name. Please save our asses from being cancelled…again…”

“Will you stop that?” Merla yelled as she slapped Cossack's shoulder. She then picked up the phone and spoke to Lotor and Yurak. “Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, prince?”

“No, you bitch,” Lotor yelled. “Where'd you learn to handle a flight stick?”

Merla pointed the craft at the nearest celestial body. “Okay, the Pegasus 69 is coming in fast and hard,” Merla said nervously.

Merla desperately tried to maintain control of her ship as they headed for the surface of the Planet Pollux.

Everyone in the Winnebago was bounced around as the ship entered the planet’s atmosphere. With her hands tight on the flight controls, Merla maintained her composure as the surface of Pollux rushed towards them. With minimal response from the ship’s systems, Merla flew around rugged mountains, over dense forests, and skimmed over lakes. The grassy landscape quickly faded away and was replaced by dirt and eventually sand.

“Sand would make a soft landing pad,” Merla thought to herself.

“Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up,” Cossack was telling his captain.

Doing her best to keep the ship upright, Merla brought the craft down into a sand dune.

After holding on for dear life, Prince Lotor stood up once the ship had come to a complete stop.

“Where are you going?” Yurak asked the prince.

“I'm going to tell her off once and for all,” Lotor responded.

“Wwwwwwwait,” Yurak stuttered. “We'll need her to get us outta here. Besides, she's got a sexy voice. She might be hot.” Yurak then winked at Lotor.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Merla and Cossack were having a conversation of their own.

“Called me a bitch? I'm going back there and explain a few things to him!” Merla spouted as she switched off various ship systems.

“Yeah, but, you don't know what he looks like,” Cossack told Merla.

“I know what he looks like. If you've seen one Drule prince, you've seen 'em all,” Merla shot back.

Lotor gave Yurak a look of disgust. “Hot? I know these space chicks. They're all alike. Fat, nasty....”

Merla proceeded to give Cossack his description of Lotor. “Pale-faced, soft skinned...”

“...flat-chested, whores!” Lotor finished his tirade then left the room and headed to the cockpit to face off with Merla.

“…pussy-whipped, spoiled brats!” Merla then got up from her seat and headed to the back of the ship to face off against Lotor.

“Yeah, well, normally I'd…,” Cossack began to say as he tried to get up but his seat belt was still latched. “Now, that's gonna leave a mark.”

Lotor and Merla met half way through the Winnebago. 

“Now listen you...” Lotor had started to say but he stopped dead in his tracks at seeing how attractive Merla was.

Likewise, Merla was taken back at the sight of Lotor. She composed herself then began her rant. “You listen! On this ship, you're to refer to me as ‘bitch’, not ‘you captain’. I mean, you know what I mean.”

“And you will not call me’ you’,” the prince ordered. “You will never address me as ‘you’. You will call me your ‘Royal Majesty’.”

Merla pointed her finger at Lotor. “You are royal pain in the...”

Cossack walked in during the height of the argument. “Whoa, hold it, time.”

“What?” Merla and Lotor asked in unison.

“May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, the Lionballs are gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all……..dead.”

“He's right,” Merla stated. “Let's go.”

“Wait. What about my things?” Lotor asked.

Merla shot Lotor and angry look. “Listen, you royal...”

Cossack cleared his throat.

“...majesty. Take only what you need to survive.”

“Yeah…,” Cossack said.


	11. Chapter 11

The scene faded away and as the next scene materialized, we find that the small band of main characters have left the Pegasus 69 and were headed out across the desert landscape of Pollux. Lotor walked along with a pink and white umbrella in his hand. Yurak followed close behind him, pulling a luggage cart. Merla and Cossack brought up the rear, carrying a large trunk.

“Your Highness, please, slow down,” Yurak begged. “I'm getting sand up my ass.”

“Geez. I hope he didn't forget anything,” Cossack remarked out loud.

“All right, wait a minute, Cossack, put it down,” Merla ordered. The two weary travelers dropped the large trunk onto the sand. “What the hell's in this thing?” Merla opened the trunk and pulled out a huge hair dryer. “What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.”

Lotor walked over to Merla and placed his hands on his hips. “It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live without it.”

Merla became visibly upset. “Okay, prince. That's it. The fairy-tale is over. Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it.” Merla angrily dropped the hair dryer onto the sand at Lotor’s feet.

“You pick that up!” Lotor demanded.

“You…pick that up,” Merla stated in a mocking tone as she pointed to the hair dryer.

“How dare you, you insolent whore! Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!” Lotor yelled at the top of his lungs.

Merla grinned. “Well, what have we got here? Will you look at him?”

“Oooooo,” responded Cossack.

“Those cold eyes, those dark blue cheeks, those quivering, pale lips,” Merla said. “You know something prince you are ugly when you're angry.”

Yurak eyes widened. “Uh-oh.”

“That's it,” Lotor said. “You and your dumbass co-pilot are f....”

Cossack chose this time to interrupt the quarreling couple. “Please, if I may, it's going to be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.”

“Come, Prince Lotor,” Yurak beckoned.

Yurak and Lotor walked away, pulling the cart behind them. Merla and Cossack picked up the now empty trunk and followed Lotor and Yurak across the desert, leaving the hair dryer behind.

“See, its lighter,” Merla remarked.

“Oh yeah; this is best,” Cossack remarked. “I could carry two or three of these.”

Aboard Lionball 1, Allura and Keith stood behind video technician Jeff, who sat at one of the radar screens.  
Allura was sipping on a pink daiquiri. “Have you found them yet?”

“No, Mistress Allura. They're still not on the scanners,” Jeff reported.

“Well, keep looking for them.” Allura took another sip of her daiquiri.

Keith suddenly turned away from Jeff and looked at his superior. “Pardon me, ma'am. I have an idea.” Keith then turned his attention back to Jeff. “Jeff, get me the Blu-Ray edition of Lionballs-the Movie.”

“Yes, sir.” Jeff stood and walked over to a bookcase. As he searched for the requested movie, quietly read off the names of the other Blu-Ray discs in the ship's library. “Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Madman's LV Series, Madman's VV Series, Voltron Force…”

“Commander Keith, may I speak with you, please?” Allura asked.

Keith walked over to Allura. “Yes, ma'am?”

Allura spoke softly into Keith's ear. “How could there be a Blu-Ray of Lionballs-the Movie? We're still in the middle of negotiating distribution rights.”

“That's true, ma'am, but there's been a new breakthrough in digital video marketing,” Keith told her.

“There has?” Allura looked confused.

“Yes; Instant Video Streaming. Video pirates leak the footage online before the distribution rights have been negotiated.”

“Naaaaa,” Allura said dismissively.

Jeff was still reading the names of the discs as he searched for Lionballs. “Abbott and Costello meet Voltron, The   
Voltron Force Gone Wild, Fleet of Doom, Back Door Princesses, Voltron: The Third Dimension: The Special Edition…Here it is, sir; Lionballs.” Jeff grabbed the box and rushed back to his station.

“Good work, Jeff. Punch it up,” Keith said.

Jeff inserted the disc and started the movie. The screen came to life, displaying the Galactic Bureau of Investigation (GBI) warning.

“This much too early; prepare to fast-forward!” Keith stated.

“Preparing to fast-forward,” Jeff replied.

“Fast-forward!” Keith ordered.

“Fast-forwarding, sir” Jeff responded.

Allura stood quietly behind Jeff, as previous scenes from the movie appeared on the monitor.

Jeff fast forwarded the movie through the opening scene of Allura coming onto the bridge of Lionball 1, the preposterous speed scene and a scene which featured Allura and the cross-eyed Lance exiting a utility closet, straightening their clothes and Allura wiping her mouth.

Allura’s eyes got big. “Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.” She sipped her daiquiri, trying to act nonchalant*

“Try here. Stop,” Keith ordered.

The movie resumed its normal playback speed and showed Keith and Allura looking at a monitor and watching themselves.

Allura looked at the camera then she turned back to the monitor. The monitor showed Allura's actions at exactly the same time.

Keith looked at the camera as Allura looked back at the monitor, then he looked back at the monitor.”

Allura waved her hand up and down behind Jeff's head. Allura watched herself perform the same action on the monitor.

Allura turned the towards the camera once again. “What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?”

Keith tried to explain the situation to Allura. “Now. You're looking at now, ma'am. Everything that happens now, is happening now,” he concluded as he pointed to the monitor.

“What happened to then?” Allura asked.

“We passed then?” Keith told her.

“When?” Allura wanted to know.

“Just now. We're at now, now,” Keith explained.

“Go back to then,” Allura told him.

“When?” Keith asked.

“Now,” Allura replied.

“Now?” Keith wanted to know.

“Now,” Allura said.

“I can't,” Keith told her.

“Why,” Allura asked.

“We missed it,” Keith explained.

“When?” Allura asked Keith.

“Just now,” Keith stated.

“When will then be now?” Allura asked.

As Allura and Keith were going back and forth, Jeff rewound the tape and stopped at the point when Merla, Cossack, Lotor, and Yurak are walking through the desert.

“Soon,” Keith said excitedly.

“How soon?” Allura asked nervously.

Jeff spoke up to get the attention of his superior. “Ma'am.”

“What?” Allura responded.

“We've identified their location,” Jeff stated.

“Where?” Allura asked him.

“It's the Planet Pollux,” Jeff answered.

“Good work,” Keith told Jeff. “Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.”

“When?” asked Allura.

“Nineteen-hundred hours, sir,” Jeff responded.

“By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners,” Keith said with enthusiasm.

“Whoooooo?” Allura yelled with such power that as she stretched her arms out, her breasts popped out of the black corset that she was wearing.


	12. Chapter 12

Night had fallen upon the Moon of Pollux. 

Yurak was sound asleep. A little light on his watch blinked annoyingly.

Lotor sat alone, staring up into space and trying to keep warm in the cold desert night.

Merla walked over and sat down beside Lotor and offered him her coat.

“No thank you. I'm perfectly all right,” Lotor said in a prissy voice.

“Take it, it's freezing,” Merla stated as she put the jacket around the prince’s shoulders.

“If you insist,” Lotor said defeated. He could smell the aroma of cheap perfume on the coat. “Won't you be cold?”

“Na, cold never bothers me.” Merla shivered then crossed her arms across her chest to hide her body's obvious reaction to the cold air.

Lotor sighed as he looked up at the sky. “I can't seem to find Planet Doom.”

“It's right there.” Merla nodded off to a corner of the sky.

“Where?” Lotor asked, his voice cracking in excitement.

“Right there,” Merla said as she pointed to a bright pink star. “It's that bright, pink one, right there. See?”

Lotor moved close to Merla to look at where she was pointing. “Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.”

Merla and Lotor looked at each other, their lips mere inches apart. They stared into each other’s eyes for several seconds then pulled away from each other.

“Don't worry. I'll get ya there,” Merla said in an attempt to break the awkwardness between them.

“Which one's yours?” Lotor asked.

“Who knows?” Merla replied with a shrug.

Lotor looked at her quizzically. “You don't know where you’re from?”

“Not really,” Merla stated. “I was found on the doorstep of a bordello.”

“A bordello? Where?”

“Somewhere in the back of the Saturn Galaxy,” Merla told him.

“Well, didn't the whores tell you who your parents were?”

“They couldn't, they all had their mouths full,” Merla explained. “All I got was this.” She pulled a medallion out from underneath her shirt. “It was around my neck.”

“What is it?” Lotor asked as he reached out and held the small charm.

Merla shrugged again. “I don't know. I've taken it to every wise woman in the universe. No one can tell me what it means.”

“It's beautiful. You know I,” Lotor paused as he looked up and realized he is merely centimeters from Merla's bosom. He quickly diverted his eyes upwards to look at hers. “It's beautiful.”

Merla slipped the medallion back under her shirt. “So how come you ran away from your wedding?”

“Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the bride.”

Merla gave the prince a strange look. “Why were you going to marry her?”

“Because, I'm a prince and I have to marry a princess.”

“Ah, and she doesn't rev your warp drive?” Merla asked teasingly.

“No, she doesn't rev my warp drive,” Lotor replied with more than a hint of annoyance at Merla’s choice of words. “I really must go back. I shouldn't have run away.” Lotor stared off into the night sky. “I realize, now, that love is one luxury a prince cannot afford.”

“You're probably right,” Merla said, slowly leaning closer to Lotor.

“I know, now, that I must live without love,” Lotor lamented.

“I guess so,” Merla remarked.

“Besides, love isn't that important,” Lotor said, half heartedly.

“Naaa, never was,” Merla agreed.

“I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love.” Lotor finally turned to look at Merla and noticed how close she was to him.

“Sure you could,” Merla responded as she slowly inched closer to Lotor.

Lotor’s eyes met Merla’s. “Without physical contact,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” Merla whispered.

Lotor moved even closer to Merla, his eyes wondered down to her chest then back up. “Without being held.”

“Yeah,” Merla continued to say.

“Or kissed.” Lotor closed his eyes as he felt himself drift towards Merla.

Without warning and alarm destroys the night silence. A bright light flashed from green to red and its irritating sound echoed across the desert.

Cossack awoke and immediately panicked. “Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and comic sidekicks first!”

Yurak was jolted awake and scrambled to turn off his alarm.

Lotor quickly separated himself from Merla.

“What the hell was that noise?” Merla asked.

“My bad,” Yurak stated. “I forgot to adjust my watch's alarm for the time zone of this moon.” 

“Seems your watch is the only thing that is going to go off tonight,” Lotor remarked.

“All right. Let's all just get some sleep,” Merla said. “We gotta get moving before dawn.”

“Why so early?” Cossack whined.

“Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead,” Merla explained. “Besides, it’s about time for the next chapter to start.”

Cossack smiled. “Nice segue.”


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning the rag tag group of lead characters walked through the burning desert. Merla was in the lead, followed by Cossack, Yurak, and Lotor brought up the rear. Exhausted would be an understatement in describing how they felt.

 “Water, water,” Merla moaned.

 “Water,” Cossack panted.

 “Arusian Ale, Arusian Ale…” Yurak chanted.

 “Room service, room service,” Lotor begged.

 The sun overhead burned brightly, scorching the land as well as the weary travelers.

 Merla held Lotor in her arms while Cossack carried Yurak on his back.  Lotor and Yurak had passed out due to the heat.

 “I can't… I can't go… I can't go any further,” Cossack panted.

 “Just one more dune to go,” Merla struggled to say.

 “Nope. You said that three dunes ago. I got no more left,” Cossack grunted. “Oh, waiter, check please.” He fell to the ground with a thud, Yurak felled down beside him.

Merla refused to give up “Must go on. Must go on. Must go on,” she kept telling herself. After taking three steps, she stopped. “Who am I kidding?” She dropped Lotor onto the sand and then fell down beside him.

Not long after the heroes passed out, seven little Jawas came walking nearby, happily singing. They noticed Merla and the others lying on the ground and rushed to their aid.

The lead Jawa pointed to Merla and the others and then began giving instructions to his fellow Jawas in their native dialect. The group of Jawas separated and set about giving water to Lotor, Merla, Cossack, and Yurak.

“Oh, thanks little guy,” Cossack said as he started chugging the water offered to him.

“Thank you,” Merla said.

The little Jawa gave Merla the thumbs up.

“Did I miss something?” When did we get to Disney World?

Once the wayward travelers had regained their strength, they followed the group of Jawas across the desert.

Allura, Keith and a bored Private were in a small convertible repulsor craft in the middle of the desert looking for Merla and the others.

Allura was standing, looking through a pair of binoculars. She had changed out of her dominatrix outfit and into a pair of short shorts and a small, pink bikini top. “I don't see them, Commander.”

“It’s alright, ma’am. I've already sent the troops on up to Area 51 to continue the search,” Keith told her.

“Good. Let's get moving,” Allura remarked.

“Yes, ma'am,” Keith responded. “Driver, prepare to move out.”

Allura lowered the binoculars. “What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go!”

“Just go,” Keith ordered.

“Yes, sir,” the private responded.

“Ma'am, shouldn't you sit down?” Keith asked.

Before Allura could respond the craft accelerated and she was thrown into the backseat.

The Jawas lead Merla, Cossack, Yurak, and Lotor to a secret door hidden in one of the sand dunes.  The lead Jawa opened the door and entered followed by the others. As the last Jawa entered the door way, she turned and motioned for Merla and the others to follow. Reluctantly, the four travelers enter the secret passageway, which closed tightly behind them.

As the Jawas made their way down a torch light hallway, they kept motioning and making incomprehensible vocal noises to Merla and her group.

“What are they saying?” Cossack asked.

“Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them,” Lotor stated.

Taking each other's hand, they started to walk down the hallway, where a huge statue stood at the other end.

“What is this place?” Lotor asked in a hushed voice.

“It looks like the dungeon of the Castle of Lions,” Cossack remarked.

“Well, it sure ain't the Emerald City”, Yurak stated.

Merla gently tugged Lotor by the hand. “C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.”

The four misfits eased their way down the hall. As they approached the statue, steam started to spew out of its ears.

“Uh-oh. I think we woke it up.” Cossack’s voice cracked as he spoke.

“Goodbye, folks,” Yurak said as he turned around and tried to run for the door. “Let me know how the chapter ends.”

Lotor grabbed Yurak’s arm and pulled him back to his side.  “Comeback here, Yurak. We need you.”

“C'mon, we're almost there,” Merla stated.

As they got closer and closer, the nervousness among the group grew. Almost everyone was visibly shaking from fear.

“What's going to happen now?” Lotor asked.

“Don't ask, maybe it won't,” Merla responded.

The tension was too much for Cossack and his emotions finally broke him down. “Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm all for leaving. I think we ought to get out of here...”

Suddenly, fire shot out of the statue's mouth.

Merla and the others jumped back.

“Wow!” was all that Cossack managed to say.

“Silence!” demanded a disembodied voice. “Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yoplait?”

“Yoplait!” the four shouted together.

A small door at the bottom of the statue opened up and a grey skinned hag wearing a brown cloak stepped out.

“You heard of me?” Yoplait asked.

“Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of Yoplait?” Merla exclaimed.

“Yoplait, the Light,” Lotor remarked.

“Yoplait, the Thick and Creamy,” Yurak stated,

“Yoplait, the Smoothie Grande,” Cossack added.

“Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just simple Yoplait.”

“But you're the one...” Merla started to say.

“Yes,” Yoplait interrupted.  “I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known throughout the universe, known as...”

“The Schwartz?” Cossack asked.

“No. The Schitz,” Yoplait corrected him.

“The Schitz?” everyone asked at the same time.

“Yes,” Yoplait stated. “The Schitz.” Yoplait held up her hand to show off a gold ring with a large brown “S” in the center.

“But, Yoplait, what is this place? What is it that you do here?” Merla asked.

“Merchandising,” Yoplait replied.

“Merchandising? What's that?” Cossack inquired.

“Merchandising,” Yoplait repeated. “Come. I'll show you.” Yoplait turned towards a bland wall and yelled to the Jawas. “Open up the store.”

The little critters slid open part of the wall and revealing a store full of memorabilia.

“Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the show's name on everything.” Yoplait said and she approached the store’s counter. “Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the show is made. Lionballs, the T-shirt; Lionballs, the Comic Book; Lionballs, the Car Force; Lionballs, the Masterpiece Voltron; Lionballs, the V3D collector set… The kids love this one.”

“Ooooooo,” the Jawas chanted.

“Last, but not least, Lionballs, the Doll…me,” Yoplait said as she held up a doll of herself. She pressed a button built into the dolls hand.

“May the Schitz be with you,” the doll said in a tiny voice.

All of the Jawas giggled from behind the counter.

Yoplait kissed the doll’s head. “Adorable.”


End file.
